I have not introduced myself, so I am using my story to do so.

I am 51 years old and it has been 10 years since my nervous breakdown as a result of bad memories and events for an unknown number of foggy years, 8 years of childhood sexual abuse and 25 adult years of sexually acting out. I have had the good fortune of thearputic support for the last 8 years.

The goods news is that I am still here. The bad news is that
I can quickly go back to shame, guilt and pain. It's the legacy of my life of pain.
My abuse has been very dificult for me to figure out and even more more difficult for me to get over and to this day it is still very hard.

Being around me with my particular history has been hard on those around me. I drift off disppointed with lingering depression, away from those around me who are trying to help me.
Very tiring for them as it goes on year after year.

I heard some one who had cancer and was having diffuculty coping, so they embraced their cancer, I guess as a way to deal with the suffering. I remember talking in therapy about my sexuality, of which I was told was not perversion but was wounded sexuality and that it order to face it and deal with it I needed to explore it and myself and learn not to hate it but in some way accept it. I don't know if I am explaining right. The point is after alot of thought and attempts a voice rises up in me and says, WTF?!!??
I'm suppose to accept a sexaul life imposed upon me by a pedophile as being part of me of, that somehow I accept an arifice of a pedophile. I may not know anything about who I should have been sexually but that does not mean I can accept sexuality based on abuse as somehow mine. No I don't have to accept that, but in the end it leaves me back to square one. I've asked psycholgists and psychiatrists about the affect of my sexual abuse on my sexuality and the response is, 'Well we don't really know'. So one day I started to research and found out that there isn't much research even being done and that some researches are reluctant for fear of being labeled as homophobic. Yipee!! Back to square one.
Sexuality is just one of a long list of issues; depression, not being able to work,loss a house and savings, bad marriage that I'm still in, no friends ever, gained a hundred pounds, isolated, lived in numerous dream worlds, bad example to my son who is struggling in school, where I've failed repeatedly. I can ponder and write and it's interesting at first but wears you down; doctor's and therapist included, and wears me down, I don't even want to be with me sometimes.

I know that reaching out to the supports I have would help, but there are times I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't do the friends thing very well, even though i am very lonely. The only people i have contact wtih are people I meet through my therapy, my wife and son and brother and that's it.

I have some serious disability issues that I don't want to face, they engender in me feelings of fear and shame. I've been drifting away from all of the supports I've
developed over the last 4 years, I just want to stop talking and vegetate.
This is is the life of an abused boy and Nike's 'Just do it' doesn't cut it. I wish it were tht easy.
I will stumble on though.